Tommy: While you were with Marizio, I've been acting like your stupid secretary.
Harry: Well, I'll take those, 'cause from now on I'm Sally's stupid secretary. [answers phone] Hello. Mm-hmm. Well, it's kind of short notice. Well, okay. We'll expect you to send a town car. Oh! With a driver. Okay. [hangs up] This is big. Sally, you are throwing out the first pitch at the championship game of the Rutherford Senior Citizens' High-Arc Modified Slow-Pitch World Series.
Sally: I've always dreamed.
Harry: I'll lay out your gown.

Mary: I've been trying to get him out for an hour.
Dick: That must be an awfully long time in Mary world, where 15 minutes lasts for five days!
Mary: Is this about Sally?
Dick: [whines] Yes!
Mary: Do you think you could get her to speak at my rotary luncheon next week? Harry won't return my calls.
Dick: Oh, Mary, you too?
Mary: Oh, Dick, why are you so upset about this? What do you want?
Dick: Fame! I want to live forever, light up the sky like a flame. Fame!

Sally: Any phone calls?
Harry: No.
Sally: Thank God. Peace and quiet. Peace and quiet. Uh, Harry, where are the fresh flowers that come every morning? The ones in there are wilted. They did come this morning, didn't they?
Harry: Yes. They came. But they were mums. And I know you don't like mums, and so I threw 'em out. And that's what happened.
Sally: You are good to me. And now I must rest.

Harry: [o.s.] Housekeeping.
Mark Hamill: Oh, come on in.
Harry: Mr. Hamill, I will not lie to you. I am not from housekeeping. I'm here because my sister, who is your biggest fan in the world, has only 72 hours to live!
Mark Hamill: Gee, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do.
Harry: Actually, there is. Come with me to old downtown Rutherford, where you will be seen with her in a crowded restaurant. She then gets to pummel you and become a media sweetheart. I'll go get your bags. Oh, this would be nice. You can wear this.
[Mark Hamill pushes Harry into the closet and grabs the phone]
Marge: Could you get somebody from security up right away? What do you mean, there isn't any? The freakin' Ewoks at the Sheraton had security! Come on!

Dick: At least you got to be famous for a little while. It was good while it lasted.
Sally: How can I go on? I'm not famous anymore, I'm not special. I'm nobody!
Dick: You're not nobody. You don't have to be famous to be special. The world doesn't know about Nina and how she goes to the old folks' home every Wednesday and sings them happy songs despite her busy schedule and their constant requests that she go away. That's special.
Sally: Officer Don sometimes takes money out of his own pocket and feeds expired parking meters.
Dick: To save people from getting tickets?
Sally: No, he just hates doing the paperwork, but it's still special.
Dick: I know someone else who's special. Someone who helped to rescue me from an invisible box and took care of a human baby as though it were her very own.
Sally: It wasn't someone else! That was me, you idiot!
Dick: You're the idiot! That's my whole point. That's why you're special!
Sally: Oh. I guess I am. Special, I mean, not an idiot. Thank you, Commander.
Dick: Good night, Lieutenant.

Dick: "In an obvious and desperate attempt to cash in on Mark hamill's interstellar success, a source close to Sally Solomon last night called the Bugle to tell all of Rutherford that Sally Solomon is in fact an alien from a distant galaxy far, far away."
Harry: We're back on top, Sally! We're back on top!

Mrs. Dubcek: Hi, hi, hi, hi. More flowers for Sally. Gladiolas. Very nice.

Sally: I just cannot believe that they moved us to this lousy table.
Tommy: Yeah, I can see the ice in the urinals, for crying out loud.
Sally: That's it, I'm gonna go talk to the guy in the monkey suit and find out what the hell's goin' on.

Sally: Why are they making such a big deal out of this thing? This is a joke, right?
Dick: No, it's not a joke at all. We're superior beings. The spotlight was bound to find us sooner or later.
Harry: [on the phone] She'll be there.
Dick: In fact, they'll probably want to interview all of us.
Tommy: Yeah. They'll probably want the perspective of the guy who spent the whole fight hiding in the ladies' room.
Dick: I was not hiding! I was freshening up.

Sally: Dick, where have you been?
Dick: Putting on my own makeup, for starters. Where will I be sitting?
Stage Manager: Who are you?
Dick: Oh, I'm Dick Solomon. Perhaps you've read my book.
Stage Manager: Why don't you go sit over there on that couch underneath the air conditioner.
Dick: Is that where you do emotional family reaction shots?
Stage Manager: Uh, sure.