TV Quotes

Sally: Aw, man. Are you still moping about Alissa?
Tommy: Well, what am I supposed to do? She won't even talk to me. Everything was going really great right up until graduation. I don't even know what I did wrong.
Sally: You gave a commencement speech that was mostly about making out with her on her parent's bed.
Tommy: No one ever remembers those speeches.
Harry: If it makes you feel any better, I don't think you'll ever do any better than Alissa.

Strudwick: All I know is there was a lot of whispering. And when they left, Alissa was carrying a suitcase.
Dick: Harry, did Tommy say anything to you?
Harry: Only that he loved Alissa, needed Alissa, and would do anything to get Alissa back. Yet over ice cream cones, he spoke highly of a girl named... Alisha.

Sally: You know, Dick, when Tommy left, he did say he had a plan that would bring him and Alissa back together.
Dick: Oh. Young impassioned lovers sneaking out of the house on a secret mission with a suitcase? I'm stumped.
Mrs. Dubcek: Sounds to me like they've eloped.
Sally: See, I knew.
Dick: That's what I-
Strudwick: This is a catastrophe!
Dick: Now, now, Strudwick. As fathers, we must bless our children's choices and let them follow their hearts.
Harry: Dick, does this mean that you and beardy-face guy are gonna be related?
Dick: No, not at all, Harry. I-- Oh, my God. We've got to stop them!

Tommy: I just came home to change shirts.
Sally: Cool.
[Tommy and Harry remove their shirts and swap]
Tommy: See, I figured out what was wrong with our relationship. She wants a man. She sees me as an immature doofus, you know. But I ask you this... Would an immature doofus rent this?
Sally: If I Were You, I'd Get Out Of That House In A Hurry III. What gives?
Tommy: What do you mean? We watch that, she gets really scared, wants a big, strong man to protect her.
Harry: Yeah!
Tommy: It's all gonna go fine. I know it is. Or else I'll just move to plan B.
Sally: What's plan B?
Tommy: Flowers. But sometimes even they don't cheer me up.

Dick: Being in-laws was bad enough. But my blood intermingling with yours in the veins of this spawn? It's unholy.
Strudwick: Go faster, Dick. I only want to jump out of this car once.
Dick: Oh, no. No sweet embrace of death for you, Vincent. Like it or not, we're gonna be grandparents together.
Strudwick: Well, if that's the case, I wanna be called "Pop-pop".
Dick: I wanted "Pop-pop."
Strudwick: You snooze, you lose, Dick. "Pop-pop." That's me.
Dick: That's not fair.
Strudwick: Take "Gramps" or "Gee-Gaw."
Dick: "Gee-Gaw?" [stammering] You just made that up!

Dick: Mary, have you ever heard of "Gee--" Mary? Was she with us when we got that pecan roll?
Strudwick: No, I don't think so. Good God, Dick! We left her at Mile Marker 20!
Dick: [groans] She should have said something.
Strudwick: Well, she's unstable. Has been ever since she took up with you. You Solomons. You specialize in destroying women. It's the talk of the town.
Dick: "It's the talk of the town." I hate your voice, I hate your face, I hate your glasses, I hate the men who made your glasses, I hate-
Strudwick: Look out for that deer!
Dick: Look out for what, honey? [thud]

Sally: Yeah, that's a great idea. You know what? While we're waiting for your birds, I hope you don't mind if I get a jump on my next scare tactic.
Harry: Go right ahead.
[Sally puts a Scream mask on Harry]
Harry: Why are you putting that on me?
Sally: Well, I don't want to light my head on fire.

Strudwick: Dick, stop thinking about yourself. Try thinking about our kids. They've got no education, no jobs, no homes to live in.
Dick: You're right. They have nothing. They're screwed. Our only choice is to write them off.
Strudwick: It's not that simple. There's going to be a baby.
Dick: A baby. So pure. So small. So not-so-screwed-up yet.
Strudwick: It's a lot of work. It takes a village, you know.
Dick: Yeah, but don't you see? We have a shot with a grandkid. It's the next generation. Nature's do-over.
Strudwick: I don't know.
Dick: Just picture it. That first magical moment. You're holding your perfect grandchild in your arms. He looks into your eyes, reaches up with his tiny fingers, touches your grizzly red stubble and says, "I wuv you, Pop-pop."
Strudwick: We can make this work.
Dick: I propose a toast. [hands out mini coffee creamers]
Strudwick: All right.
Dick: To our grandchild.
Strudwick: To our grandchild.
Dick: May he or she inherit the best from both grandfathers.
Don: [storms in] All right, dirtbags! You're gonna get what's coming to you!
Dick: Don't shoot! We're gonna have a baby!

Dick: Seat belt on. Lumbar support in. Vanity mirror... Where the hell is it?
Strudwick: We're in a fantastic hurry.
Dick: We have to wait for Mary. It's vital.
Mary: Dick!
Dick: Over here, Mary! Hurry up!
Mary: Oh, I got your message. What's so important about a Charlie Daniels CD?
Dick: Chase music, Mary.
Mary: What chase? What's going on?
Dick: There's no time to explain. We're in a fantastic hurry.

Strudwick: Tommy and Alissa have eloped somewhere.
Mary: Oh, no!
Dick: Yes!
Mary: They might be at that little chapel by the state line.
Dick: Great idea. Get in. Chop chop.
Mary: Dick, could you move your seat up just a little bit?
Dick: I finally got it how I like it. Go in through Strudwick's side.