Strudwick: You know, it's funny. I used to bring these creamers home to Alissa. She'd have little tea parties with her stuffed animals. They grow up quick, don't they?
Dick: Yeah. I can remember when Tommy didn't even know how to wipe his own butt. Then he figured it out all on his own. And taught me.

Harry: Okay, they're on the couch, but they're not sitting very close.
Sally: Get over here. Harry, listen and learn. First, I got a chain to drag against the wall. Then I got a rubber axe. Then I got tomato juice, which doubles for blood, and I got low sodium tomato juice which doubles for blood but is better for you.

Harry: Well, this isn't scary. We gotta be subtle.
Sally: Subtle?
Harry: Yeah! Did you ever see Jaws? Okay. The scary part was not the shark. It was the hint of the shark. The fin. Oh! Slicin' through the water.
Sally: Well, what, so you got something planned?
Harry: Yes, I do.
[Harry turns around and reveals a fin attached to his back]
Sally: Harry, that's adorable, but you know, as a warrior, I think I know how to scare.
Harry: Well, as someone who's always scared, I think you're wrong.

Harry: Now we're gonna try it my way.
Sally: Birdseed? That's not scary. Plus, you'll attract every bird in the neighborhood.
Harry: Exactly. We'll feed 'em a lot at first. But then bit by bit, we'll pull back. First we'll get 'em hooked, and then we'll get 'em pissed.
Sally: Yeah, and then slowly we'll start to replace the seed with human flesh. That is not bad. All right. How soon do you think they'll come?
Harry: Well, maybe tonight. Maybe six months. Maybe never. But they'll come. As God is my witness, they'll come.

Strudwick: Dick? Dick? Is Alissa here?
Dick: No, she's not, Strudwick. Why don't you join her and not be here together?
Strudwick: Well, she disappeared three hours ago with your ragamuffin son.
Dick: Ragamuffin?! Sally, throw him out. Harry, bring me a dictionary.

Don: Hello, Alissa. Tommy. I'm here on official business. Alissa, we found your father's car on the interstate, crashed and covered with blood.
Alissa: Oh, my God!
Don: Do you mind? I'm not done yet. In addition, we found a dead deer not far from the car.
Tommy: This is horrible.
Alissa: So my dad hit a deer?
Don: Slow down, Nancy Drew. That's one explanation. Another is a tri-county murder spree with your dad at the center. [Tommy squeals]
Alissa: What does that have to do with a dead deer?
Don: Even a deer can be a witness. Maybe it saw something and paid the price. [police radio chatter, indistinct] Orville. Go. [radio chatter, indistinct] 10-4. Your father was spotted checking into a motel with a psycho wearing a tight t-shirt and carrying a purse.
Alissa: So my dad's okay? He's alive?
Don: Yes. But my cop nose tells me that there's an ugliness spreading throughout this town. No one is safe. See ya.

Harry: [opens bottle] "You almost won a million dollars. Please try again." [screws cap and opens again] What does it say, Tommy? I can't look.

Strudwick: Hello, Thomas.
Tommy: Hello, Strudwick.
Strudwick: I thought Alissa had given you your walking papers.
Tommy: I'm sorry. My what?
Strudwick: Dumped you. Gave you the boot. The old heave ho.
Tommy: Oh, yes. Yes, she did. But she's a big girl. She can change her mind. She can make her own decisions. And who's to say that she won't make those decisions with me... in your Jacuzzi?
Strudwick: You shut your mouth.
Alissa: Okay! All right. Bye-bye, Daddy.
Strudwick: Where are you two going? What's in that suitcase?
Tommy: Those must be my walking papers.

Strudwick: Dick, my toothbrush is wet. Did you brush your teeth with it?
Dick: No, I did not... brush my teeth... with your toothbrush.
Strudwick: Well, let's try and get some sleep. I never want to think about this day again.
Dick: Which part don't you want to think about most? Our abandonment of Mary? Our collision with that deer? Or your coming epiphany that I'm a nocturnal spooner?

Sally: Still not naked. Nothing's working.
Harry: Hey, what if I do an eerie dance of death?
Sally: No, it's too artsy. I still say we stick with the classics, okay? I mean, we have three options left. We can re-animate a dead person, pop out of Alissa's stomach, or go in after them with a power tool.
Harry: Well, let's meet half way, okay? 'Cause I'm doing the dance of death.
Sally: No, it's not scary!
Harry: But... I'll do it with a power tool.