Dick: But, Harry, wait. You're part of the unit. We need you.
Harry: What do you need me for?
Dick: Well, uh... because we love you, and you're important to the family, and, uh... you're so pretty.
Harry: Well, I may be pretty, but I know I'm not important.

Sally: This is so exciting. I think it's every little girl's dream to meet her boyfriend's mother.
Mr. Rendell: I always thought it was to get married.
Sally: Mr. Randell, it's only been two dates. When?

Harry: Give me a beer.
Bartender: What kind?
Harry: The kind you drink.

Man: Hey, you talkin' to my girl?
Harry: You don't look old enough to be her father.
Man: What are you, a comedian?
Harry: No, that would be Buddy Hackett.
Man: You got wheels?
Harry: On my car.
Man: Okay, you and me, pal. Dead Man's Curve. We're gonna play a game of chicken.
Harry: I'll stop at the Colonel's!

Dick: I wonder how he's doing out there all by himself. You know, if you're a bad father, they leave. If you're a good father, they leave. A parent's love is like a river. No matter how deep or strong its current, it's always flowing towards a sea of separation.
Tommy: Lighten up, Dick. You're going to give yourself a Hallmark hernia.

Dick: [answers phone] Hello. Yes? The police? You've got Harry? He crashed the car at Dead Man's Curve? We'll be right over. Tommy, something terrible has happened.
Tommy: Harry crashed the car at Dead Man's Curve.
Dick: Why is the father always the last to know?

Dick: You know, someday I'd like to be a real father with a real son. A little guy who'd be sweet and cuddly, pink and puffy, just like his old man.
Sally: You do realize, of course, that your son could wind up being a daughter?
Dick: Oh, no, no, not my son.