Dick: Harry! Son, look what I brought home for us. It's a six-pack of tall boys. Let's say we get faced and then I'll give you my belt.
Harry: Forget it, man.
Dick: What's this?
Harry: I'm cutting out. I'm blowing this joint. I'm taking some powder.
Dick: You're leaving? You can't leave.
Harry: Oh, face it, Dick. I have no purpose here.
Dick: Harry, I'll find you a purpose. I'll set up a meeting for you with the campus job counselor.
Harry: That's your world, man, not mine. See, I'm rejecting all that "9-to-5, make a living, become a success, feel good about yourself" crap. That's a sucker's game, man. Well, color me gone.

Dick: Look, I'm sorry, I should have told you sooner, but isn't it neat to find out new things about yourself?
Harry: You have destroyed my life!
Dick: Harry, please.
Harry: Oh, so it's okay for me to have a thing in my head, but it's not okay for me to know about it? And you call yourself a father. I'm out of here.
Dick: Harry, you are not leaving! You're coming right back here! That's an order.
Harry: You know, Dick, if you were my father, I would think that you would care enough about my feelings to just let me go.
Dick: You're right. You need to sort this out for yourself. Go. But as High Commander, I must have access to that transmitter. Stay! But I want you to have your own space. Go. But I can't allow this breach of protocol. I order you to stay! Leave the nest. Fly. I need your head. You come back here! I'm sorry. Go. No, stay! No, go! Stay! Go!
Harry: Stop! You're tearing me apart!

Dick: I'm Dr. Solomon. Where's my son, my son Harry?
Police Officer: The good news is he's alive.
Dick: Oh, thank God!
Police Officer: But I have to warn you, he don't look so good.
Dick: [gasps] Oh, that's what he always looks like.

Harry: It was the most amazing journey.
Tommy: What do you mean?
Harry: Well, I was leaving the colonel after picking up chicken.
Tommy: Wait. Why a chicken?
Harry: Long story short, I have no idea. So, I was on my way to the big race, and a paper bag blew across the road. I was afraid it was full of bunnies, so I swerved.
And right as the car was flying into the ditch, my whole life flashed before my eyes.
Dick: Harry, I don't mean to be insensitive, but what's your point?
Harry: Well, all I could think was, "I have a rage to live." And then the car landed, and I said, "Hey, world, I'm alive! And these pants are washable."

Harry: Oh, Dick, it doesn't matter that I'm an underling with a thing in my head. What matters most is life itself. And the greatest thing about life is not having a purpose. It's finding a purpose.
Dick: Why, Harry, you sound exactly like me. Like fake father, like fake son.
Harry: Oh, Dick, could we just drop the father thing and go back to being fake brothers?
Dick: You don't want me to be your dad anymore?
Harry: No.
Dick: Good, because I was this close to drop-kicking your sorry butt from here to the outlet mall!

Dick: Uh, Harry, I've made a decision. From now on, I don't want you to think of me as your commander. I want you to think of me as a father. A father who outranks you.
Tommy: Well, a father? Why?
Dick: Guidance, emotional support. I'll be there for you. I'll be the wind beneath your sheets. Harry, you need anything at all, you come to me.
Harry: Well, okay. Can I borrow the car?
Dick: No.
Harry: Can I have some cash?
Dick: No.
Harry: Can I bring a woman to my room?
Tommy: Never happen.
Dick: Sure.
Harry: Oh, well, thanks, commander. I mean, Dick. Dad. Father Dick.

Sally: So, did you want to talk to me about Tommy?
Mr. Rendell: No. Tommy's doing fine.
Sally: Oh. Well, then, since I'm here, can I meet your mother?
Mr. Rendell: I don't know that you're ready to meet my mother.
Sally: We could have dinner.
Mr. Rendell: You don't think it's a little early?
Sally: No. I think breakfast would be early. Dinner's fine.

Dick: Which can be directly applied to Newton's second law of motion which, for personal reasons, is my favorite. Isaac Newton, of course, has been called the father of modern physics, which brings me to another question. How many of you have fathers? Show of hands. Anyone? Fathers? [all hands go up] Everyone has fathers. Good. So, who would like to relate some fatheresque experiences, something very fathery?
Caryn: Uh, okay, well, my father and I have this very special-
Dick: No, no, no, Caryn. Please. I'm only interested in father-son experiences.

Dick: Bug, tell me about your father.
Bug: My father? Very strict. It didn't matter that I was the youngest. When I'd act up, he'd give me his belt.
Dick: You wore the same size?
Bug: As punishment, he'd put me over his knee and give me a whooping.
Dick: So he gave you a whooping and a belt?
Bug: Uh, with a belt.
Dick: And then he gave you the belt?
Bug: Um... yeah.

Dick: Leon, did your dad ever give you a belt?
Leon: No. No, my dad's great. We had this tradition, every August, we rent a cabin on Lake Erie. We pick up a case of tall boys, get faced, and hit on the girls who rent the pontoon boats. He's really good at it.