Tommy: Hey, buddy. Do I come to your job and stare at you and your girlfriend?
Man: I'd like to, uh, buy a pretzel.
Alissa: I'm so sorry, sir. Um, please accept this courtesy of Mrs. Fetzel's homemade pretzels.
Tommy: You just gave that perv a free pretzel.
Alissa: We're allowed to sometimes. It's called customer relations.
Tommy: Does Mrs. Fetzel know about this?
Alissa: Tommy, let her go. She's gone.

Tommy: What are you guys doing here?
Sally: Oh, we were down there at the crazy kiln.
Harry: Yeah.
Sally: You get to decorate your own ceramics and cut out the expensive middleman. Only 90 bucks.
Harry: I had an ashtray. Dropped it on the escalator. It was this color. [holds up blue-stained hand]

Chancellor Duncan: This list of demands is quite extensive, Dr. Solomon.
Dick: Well, you have us up in arms, chancellor.
Chancellor Duncan: Casual Friday should be moved to Wednesday?
Dick: Everyone wanted that one. You can buckle under anytime now.
Chancellor Duncan: You people are serious about this.
Dick: Oh, we're deadly serious. They didn't choose me as their leader because I'm weak. What you have before you are the resignations of 58 of the finest professors this side of Rutherford Junior College.
Chancellor Duncan: Wow. So, you're really willing to risk your jobs?
Dick: [inhales] Yes. [hand fidgets]
Chancellor Duncan: I think you're bluffing.
Dick: If I were bluffing, believe me, you'd know it. I'm not bluffing.

Dick: Uh, wait a second. What are you doing?
Chancellor Duncan: Taking the letters.
Dick: You're really gonna do that?
Chancellor Duncan: Well, you resigned.
Dick: W-w-well, sure. Of course we did.
Chancellor Duncan: Well, then, it's settled. I just hope you can all afford your own health insurance.
Dick: We'd lose our health insurance? Well, thank goodness we at least get our paychecks to see us through this lean period.
Chancellor Duncan: Get out.
Dick: Very well. You've dug your own grave. I'll be leaving now.
[Dick goes to Chancellor Duncan's drawer and searches through the letters]
Dick: Y-y-you know something? Now that I--I think of it, uh, mine may have a typo. I'm just going to, uh...

Strudwick: He actually accepted our letters of resignation?
Dick: Sorry. I did everything I could. You were right. The man is a monster.
Mary: As long as we're united, there's still hope.
Dick: Oh, of course there's hope, Mary. And just know that if you need a shoulder to lean on, I'll be there. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a class to teach. [all yelling] It's just not a good time for me to resign right now, what with my birthday coming up and all. I support your cause 100%. Bye-bye.

Pitman: Dr. Solomon, it's a little hard to concentrate with all the shouting outside.
Dick: That shouting, young pitman, is the sound of a grass-roots movement taking hold, and I am the sweet manure that makes it flourish.
Caryn: Dr. Solomon, it sounds like the other professors kinda...
Leon: They hate you.
Dick: Don't be silly, Caryn. They wouldn't even be out there if it weren't for me. Listen, they're chanting my name. I guess that makes me a kind of a working-class hero. Who agrees? [Bug raises his hand] Thank you, Bug.
Bug: Actually, I was wondering if we're going the full hour. All the other classes are cancelled, and I'd like to, uh, you know, do nothing.
Dick: Bug, if the students choose to show their solidarity with our cause by staging a walkout, I, for one, would never stand in their way. [all leave]

Alissa: Um, Tommy?
Tommy: Mm-Hmm?
Alissa: I didn't want to say anything yesterday, but this is your second hat infraction.
Tommy: Actually, you did say something yesterday.
Alissa: Somebody is not wearing their "Pretzels are dessert, too" button.

Tommy: That's it. I'm tired of being a model employee. You guys want some pretzels? Take a bag. Here. Take six bags.
Sally: Thanks, Tommy.
Tommy: Yeah. There's more where that came from.
Sally: All right.
Harry: Huh.
Sally: Wow, these are way more than we can eat. What are we gonna do with 'em?
Harry: I know. We could eat them.
Sally: No. But we could sell them.
Harry: Brilliant!
Sally: Now all we have to do is find a good place for our store.
Harry: Location, location, location.
Sally: How about here?
Harry: That's good.
Sally: All right.

Dick: I'm gonna march right into Chancellor Duncan's office and do what I should have done in the first place. I'm gonna resign.
Tommy: Yeah, yeah, and I'll march right up to Alissa and turn in my pretzel hat.
Dick: What's Mrs. Fetzel going to say?
Tommy: Oh, Dick. I think you better sit down.

Chancellor Duncan: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to present these letters to the board of trustees.
Dick: Oh, of course, the board. They were certainly right about you. You are a real operator.
Chancellor Duncan: You know people on the board?
Dick: No. I have no friends on the board. [hand fidgets]
Chancellor Duncan: You don't know anything.
Dick: You're right. I know nothing. You have no reason to worry about losing your job over this "debacle". I don't know why I did that. I'm not quoting anyone.