Mary: What are you doing here?
Dick: Why, it's our movie night, Mary. Why aren't you dressed? Oh, I know. You want to stay home and watch one of those scrambled ones.
Mary: I'm not going anywhere with you. I'm surprised you had the nerve to show up here.
Dick: Why are you so cranky? You've had the whole day off.
Mary: I wouldn't be caught dead going out with a scab.
Dick: Well, can't you just put a band-aid over it?

Tommy: Tell me about it. I thought that- that working with Alissa would mean I'd get a chance to make out with her in the dough room.
Dick: Well, until Mary and I are working together again, things are never gonna be right.
Tommy: Well, I can't work with Alissa anymore.
Dick: You know what we should do? We should switch girlfriends.
Tommy: Yes. But what's plan B?

Harry: Here you go, and thank you for coming to the Great American Pretzel Wagon.
Woman: I love your pretzels. They're much better than the ones at Mrs. Fetzel's.
Harry: They do what they do. We do what we do.
Sally: Here's a cup for your soda. You can go fill up over at Mrs. Fetzel's.

Sally: Oh, I see how this works. You can't compete with us, so you're trying to shut us down.
Harry: Yeah. We come up with a better way of selling pretzels, and you call in the goons.
Sally: The American Dream?
Harry: Not in this mall. Big, fat Mrs. Fetzel's stomping all over the little guy.
Alissa: You stole all our pretzels!
Sally: Ah-ah.
Harry: Woo-woo.
Sally: We sold all your pretzels.

Mary: You know, even though we didn't get any of our benefits back, it's good to be working again.
Strudwick: That's right. Dick, without your cowardice and courage, we wouldn't be right back where we started.
Dick: Thank you, Strudwick. I'll take that as a compliment.
Strudwick: I meant it as an insult.
Dick: Too late. It's a compliment.

Dick: Mary, I- I wish you could have seen me in there with the chancellor. You would have been so turned on by my heroism. I know I was.
Mary: I've got to admit, I- I am impressed.
Dick: I have that man eating out of my hand. Anything you want from him, I can get it for you.
Mary: The fire exit has been nailed shut for the past two years.
Dick: Now, Mary, we don't want to seem greedy. There's no need to bring that up until there's an actual fire.

Sally: You know, Dick, it seems to me that we've got some labor problems here ourselves.
Tommy: That's true. No health plan. No benefits. We haven't had a raise in years.
Harry: Yeah, maybe we should go on strike against you. Unfair!
Tommy: Unfair!
Sally: Unfair!
Dick: I'm sorry. There is simply no room in the budget for raises. [all groan] Ah, but I can go you one better. Promotions. Sally, you are now the senior security officer.
Sally: That'll look good on the old resume.
Dick: Tommy, I am making you senior information officer.
Tommy: About freaking time. [Dick falls silent]
Harry: ... What about me, Dick?
Dick: Oh, Harry. You're... Um, you're... Harry, you're now Harold.
Harry: Champagne for everyone!
Dick: Do I hear a thank you?

Dick: And I'll have 2.
Harry: Your bet, Dick.
Dick: Oh. [waveringly] Oh oh, my word. I've never seen so many kings. [hand fidgets] Well, so, uh... How many of these am I gonna bet? Why not all of them?
Sally: You think he's bluffing?
Tommy: Well, yeah.
Dick: Oh, no, no, no. I've got hot cards. You should all fold because you're never gonna beat my superior hand. I- I tell you, I've got kings.
Tommy: I'm in.
Sally: Yeah, me too.
Dick: Oh, damn! I fold.

Sally: All right. Tommy, whatcha got?
Tommy: 2 pair.
Sally: Sorry, won't beat 3 jacks.
Harry: Oh! Read 'em and weep. 7, 3, 2, jack, and 5.
Sally: I win.

Dick: [whimpers] Oh, oh-ho, oh, oh what a terrible hand. What a sad assortment of mismatched squat. [hand fidgets]
Tommy: I'm out.
Harry: Yeah.
Sally: Me, too.
Dick: Oh, damn!