Dick: You will never, if you live to be 100, suffer the indignity that I have just suffered! I pray that you will just so you'll know how much it sucks!
Nina: What are you talking about?
Dick: There is absolutely no way for a person in a wheelchair to get into this building.
Mary: Did you try the ramp?
Dick: Is that some kind of wheelchair move I'm expected to know?
Mary: No. It's a wheelchair-accessible entrance with a ramp. It's on every building at Pendelton.
Dick: Well, not on this one.
Mary: The ramp is on the south side.
Dick: Oh. Might as well be in Portugal.
Nina: 'Cause it's so far away?
Dick: No, Nina, because Portugal is an ancient land of fascinating maritime culture. Yes, it's so far away!

Dick: Yesterday, December second, a day that will live in infamy, I pulled myself up these steps, one cement injustice after another. But today I pledge to you, my sisters and brothers, that until they build a north ramp on this side of Hoff Hall, I will not rest. Except for the occasional nap.

Mary: Dick, why are you doing this? You'll be better in three weeks. Why do you care so much about this ramp?
Dick: Well, I care because they care.
Mary: You're only doing this because you like it that people are listening to you. A second ramp is unnecessary and stupid.
Leon: Dr. Albright, you think helping disabled people is stupid? [crowd boos]
Mary: No. [crowd hisses] Oh, shut up. That's not what I meant!
Dick: You just can't stand that everyone here thinks I'm right and you're wrong.
Mary: Dick, what's right isn't always popular, and what's popular isn't always right.
Dick: Yes, but I'm both right and popular, and everybody hates you.

Don: You were born in 1968?
Mrs. Dubcek: I don't want the boys to be intimidated by my experience.
Don: Whatever. You're in.

Vicki Dubcek: I have something important to tell you. I've decided to become celibate.
Harry: Ah, you can tell Harry all about it while we're having sex.
Vicki Dubcek: No, Harry, please stop. I've gotta purify myself. I've decided to become a licensed massage therapist. And massage therapy requires a great level of spirituality.
Dick: Whoo! This beats the hell out of that cardboard box!
Harry: So, are you still on that crazy celibacy kick?
Vicki Dubcek: Oh, Harry. Come on. You know how it is. The sex leads to booze, and the booze leads to drugs, and the drugs lead to stealing stuff from my mama.

Don: Nah, it's fake.
Tommy: How do you know?
Don: Well, the laminate is peeling from the cardboard, and I used to date your sister. Come on, Tommy.
Tommy: I am not Tommy. My name is Anatoly. I'm from the U.S. territory of Guam.
Don: Okay. Then where exactly is Guam located?
Tommy: The kidney-shaped island of Guam is located at 13 degrees north latitude, 144 degrees longitude. Its official bird is the Toto, also known as the fruit darter-
Don: All right, nobody knows that much about Guam. [to Tommy's high school friends Elman and Romano] Oh, Mr. Chubais. Mr. Chubais. I saved you a table. Thank you. Now, they're Guamish.

Harry: [in a wheelchair] Greased lightning!
Sally: Where'd you get that thing?
Harry: I got it from Miss Dubcek's garage.
Dick: Whoa! My turn! My turn!
Harry: Oh, no. I don't think I'll be getting off any time... [Vicki walks up the stairs]... before right now.
Vicki Dubcek: Hey, baby. Vicki's back.
Harry: Grr. So, Vicki why didn't you keep in touch?
Vicki Dubcek: I must have written you 2 letters. But I did not receive those letters. Okay! Okay! Maybe I did. But I'm a different woman now, Harry.
Harry: Margaret Thatcher?
Vicki Dubcek: No.
Harry: Ah. Good.

Dick: Oh! Oh! Can you believe this wheelchair didn't come with a warning?
Tommy: Yeah. Something like, uh, "Danger: don't be an idiot and ride the wheelchair down stairs"?
Dick: That would have been the spirit of the warning, yes.

Sally: Big deal. You broke your foot, you can't walk for a couple of weeks. There's nothing to do in this town anyway.
Harry: Think you're forgetting, barber shop got a radio.
Sally: That's right. I forgot. The barber shop got a radio. Will someone please shoot me in the eye?

Mary: Dick, Hoff Hall is a landmark. It is over 100 years old. The ramp is on the south side so it would not ruin the facade.
Dick: Okay, but that means that I have to pass by Professor Strudwick's office, and every time I do, he drags me in, makes me look at his pictures of salmon. Do you know the difference between a coho and a sockeye? Well, I do!