Dick: Oh, Martha, this is the most delicious, exquisitely flavored, palate-teasing dish I've ever tasted. What do you call it again?
Martha Albright: Busy Gal's Lasagna.
Dick: I must get the recipe.
George Albright: It's noodles with ketchup on 'em.
Martha Albright: George, shut up.
Dick: Don't give away her recipes, George.
Martha Albright: Thank you, Dick.

Martha Albright: Now, Mary, how about it? More?
Mary: Uh, no, mother, I have enough.
Martha Albright: She's on another one of those crazy crash diets, right, Dick?
Dick: Well, no, I just don't think she likes your lasagna as much as I do, Martha.
Mary: Yes, I do, and I'm not on a diet. I'm happy the way I am.
Martha Albright: Well, there comes a point when you just have to accept what the good lord has given you.
George Albright: Lord knows I have.

Harry: I'm Nina. And I'm special because I'm moving.
Tommy: I'm Sally. I think I am so great.
Harry: Whoa, your hair looks really good today, girlfriend.
Tommy: Oh, shut up. No, it doesn't. Let's go look at some magazine... [sees Nina and Sally] Well, uh, that's all the underwear. Let's get it down to the truck.

Nina: If I'd have known that, you could've moved in here with me.
Sally: Us? Roommates? Just you and me, no guys?
Nina: Yeah. But it's too late for that, I guess.
Sally: No! No, it's not.
Tommy: Finally, the last box.
Harry: My back is killing me.
Sally: Oh. Y-you gotta keep it loose. Hey, you know what you do? You go down, you get all of Nina's stuff off the truck, and then you go back to our place, get my stuff, and bring it back here.
Harry: Boy. You really think it'll work?
Sally: Well, I'm willing to give it a shot.
Tommy: Actually, my back feels fine.
Sally: Oh, get moving!

George Albright: Really, Princess, no, it's fine with us. About time this house saw some action.
Mary: No, Dad, really, I-- I--
Dick: Say no more, George! It's settled. Mary and I will share a room.
George Albright: Done deal. Now let's go outside and smoke these things. I've got some funny stories about Mary.
Dick: [chuckles] Me, too.

George Albright: Now here's little Mary's sixth birthday party.
Dick: Oh, you got her a pony.
Martha Albright: No. That's Mary. Her uncle Neil got her a brown lederhosen.
George Albright: All the way from Munich, Germany.
Martha Albright: Oh, little Mary's crying. She didn't want to share a sheet cake with the other kids.
George Albright: Oh, here's the big spelling bee. Mary's word is "because." Watch her sweat. [Marta laughs] "b" "e" "c" "a" "w"! [both chuckle]
Martha Albright: Ah, Magpie. Why'd you miss such an easy word?
Mary: Because.
Dick: She can say it. She just can't spell it.
George Albright: [laughs] You're a hoot and a half, son.
Dick: Thank you, Daddy.

Dick: I'll give you the secret to a great bloody Mary, Dick. Horseradish.
Martha Albright: It's not the horseradish, Georgie. It's the vodka.
George Albright: You know, getting this hot tub was the smartest thing I've ever done.
Dick: Oh, really? And what would the stupidest, most loathsome, and hurtful thing be?
George Albright: Not getting the floating thermometer. Can I get you anything, Dick? A drink? Maybe some coffee?
Dick: Tea. Or maybe me. Is that what the little flying strumpet said to entice you? Is one sleazy pickup line all it takes to destroy a family?!
Martha Albright: Mary! For god's sakes. You told him?
Mary: I couldn't stand it anymore.
George Albright: Martha. You told our daughter about my- my- my-
Martha Albright: That's right! Your little fling. You-hoo-hoo bet I told her.
George Albright: So she could play the martyr for 36 years.

Mary: How do you think I felt?
Dick: Alone and scared, a sheet cake her only solace.
George Albright: She drove me to it, Princess.
Martha Albright: All right! Maybe I did. But I was too fat, and I hated my body, and those damn diet pills made me crazy.
Mary: You took diet pills?
Martha Albright: Our family doctor prescribed them. For god's sakes, it was the sixties!
George Albright: She went to Dr. Powell for more than just pills.
Mary: Dr. Powell?! He had hair in his ears.
George Albright: She went to Dr. Powell, who was her cousin.
Martha Albright: He was my step-cousin!
George Albright: He was my golf partner!
Martha Albright: He was a man!
Mary: Enough! You two lie to each other and cheat on each other, and I'm stuck in the middle. You've made my life miserable. Why the hell did the two of you stay married?
George Albright: To try to give you a happy home.
Dick: [stands up in his Speedo] Oh, my God! Look at the two of you! Have you no shame?

Sally: Look, you know, being your roommate is not as much fun as it used to be.
Nina: You've only been here an hour and a half.
Sally: Yeah, and it's an hour and a half too long.
Tommy: All right, this is it. The last box of shoes.
Sally: Well, load it up, boys, 'cause I'm movin' out!
Harry: No. Absolutely not! Sally, for the first time in my life-
Sally: Do it, or I'll kill you.
Harry: Ok.

Martha Albright: You know this weekend has been more cathartic for me than the entire time I spent in rehab.
Mary: Rehab?
Martha Albright: 1982. I know. I said I was visiting your aunt Dee Dee.