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Dick-in-law

‘Dick-in-law’

Season 3, Episode 4 - Aired October 15, 1997

Dick accompanies Mary on a trip to see her parents, George (George Grizzard) and Martha (Elaine Stritch), who still think the pair are together. Meanwhile, Dick volunteers Sally, Harry and Tommy to help Nina move out of her apartment.

Quote from Mary

George Albright: I'll tell you one thing, Dick. This is one bar I'll never get thrown out of.
Mary: Oh, Dick, I'll show you where the linens are so you can make up the couch.
Martha Albright: The couch? Oh, now, punkin, it's perfectly okay with daddy and me if you and Dick share the same room.
Mary: No! No, It- It's not. I know how uncomfortable it makes you feel.
Martha Albright: Really? Never stopped you before.

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Quote from Harry

Sally: Oh, I cannot wait to move out on my own. It's nothing personal. It's just that you guys are really, really annoying, you know?
Harry: Yeah. Enough said. Sally, we're all very happy for you, and I know that there are gonna be some good times, but there will also be some lonely ones, and so I want you to have my gnome.
Sally: No, Harry, you see, I'm moving to get away from your crap.
Harry: Okay, I got my gnome back.

Quote from Tommy

Tommy: Well, on the plus side, at least we can turn Sally's room into a storage area.
Harry: Well, wait a minute. I don't have a room.
Tommy: Or maybe a cool little music room with some black-light posters.
Harry: Hello. Man without a bedroom here.
Tommy: You know what'd be even better? A skeeball parlor.
Harry: Skeeball? In our home? Yes!
Tommy: Yeah!

Quote from Mary

Mary: Let me tell you about my wonderful parents. In 1961, my father had an affair with a stewardess.
Dick: Well, you mean a flight attendant.
Mary: No. A stewardess.
Dick: That despicable dog!
Mary: My mother found them together, and she was so wonderful, she dumped it all on me. Me, Dick. A little girl.
Dick: Oh, Mary, what an awful picture. A bitter old drunk describing some tawdry affair while spoon-feeding you strained bananas as you sit in your little highchair.
Mary: Well, I was 9.
Dick: And you were still eating baby food? My poor Mary.
Mary: Oh, Dick, the whole- the whole thing tore me apart. I felt it was my fault.
Dick: It was their fault, Mary!
Mary: I felt so alone.
Dick: You're not alone, Mary, not anymore! And to think I had my hand in that man's humidor!

Quote from Sally

Nina: Um, Sally, I know you just got here, but you left your socks-
Sally: Shh. Honey, it's Shark Week.
Nina: You want me to help you move that futon into your room?
Sally: My room?
Nina: Yeah. The room down the hall.
Sally: Oh, no. I like this room.
Nina: This is the living room.
Sally: Yeah, and I'm gonna live in it. You got to pick your room, I get to pick mine.
Nina: No way.
Sally: Look, I didn't complain when you finished my milk.
Nina: Your milk? You just wrote "Sally" on my milk.

Quote from Dick

Dick: [on the phone] Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. R-really? This weekend? Well, I can't say no to you. You're Mary's mother. Yeah, it sounds wonderful. No, no. Mary didn't tell me a thing.
Mary: [enters room] Didn't tell who what thing?
Dick: Yeah, I've noticed that about her, too. It's off-putting, isn't it?
Mary: Who's that?
Dick: It sounds terrific, Martha.
Mary: Martha. My mother. Oh, God, no!
Dick: Yeah. Yes, best to you, Martha. Yeah, right, right. I can't wait for you to meet me.
Mary: [hangs up] What did you just do?!

Quote from Dick

Dick: Mary, please! I won't say a word about our breakup. I can't. I'm still in denial.
Mary: Do you think I want to spend my weekend pretending to be engaged to a lunatic rather than tell my parents the truth? I'll pick you up in the morning.
Dick: Oh, Mary.
Mary: We're just pretending! If you dare to try and touch me, I will choke the life out of you.
Dick: Well, what if I bump into you accidentally?
Mary: Fine.
Dick: In the shower?
Mary: Be in your driveway at 8:00 tomorrow.

Quote from Sally

Dick: I've got to make a good impression when I meet Mary's parents.
Sally: Mary Albright's parents?
Tommy: They're still alive?
Sally: My God, they must be so old.
Harry: Probably had her really young.

Quote from Harry

Dick: This is important. I have to win their love and respect.
Sally: Why? You don't even have Mary's love and respect.
Dick: Not at the moment, but I'm hoping that if I win her parents over, she'll see me in a new light and fall in love all over again.
Sally: Dick, that's genius!
Tommy: I don't know. I'd rather have a red- hot poker stuck in my eye than hang out with my girlfriend's mom and dad.
Harry: Hey, what if her parents have a red-hot poker and they surprise you by sticking it in your eye?
Dick: No. No, I'm sure they're lovely people. After all, they mixed and poured the DNA cocktail that is Mary Albright.

Quote from Mary

Martha Albright: Well, what do you think? Does Mary look more like me or George?
Dick: Well, Martha, I did notice that you and Mary have the same patrician nose.
George Albright: Whoa. I think she does favor Martha's side of the family more than mine.
Dick: But at least she got her father's generous butt. [pats George's butt] [Martha laughs]
Martha Albright: Mary, that eye shadow makes you look tired.
Mary: Thank you, mother.
Martha Albright: Just trying to help.
George Albright: Martha, darling, why don't you run and get the kids those sandwiches?
Martha Albright: Well, yes, of course, George. I'll run and get the kids those sandwiches. I keep forgetting you were paralyzed in the war. [exits]
George Albright: I really should go and help her. I wouldn't want her to slip and fall into a bottle of gin.

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