Sally: Oh, Don! Don! Look at you! That is Don, right?
Harry: Yeah.
Sally: Oh, Don!
Rico: How is it he looks like that, and you look like that?
Sally: Well, you see, we were going into the skid, and, uh, I... I just used Donny's body as a sled. [Don groans] Oh, god. He was so heroic. Now look at you. All prone, helpless... tied up.
Harry: See, it never fails. Babes love guys on machines.
Doctor: Well, that's good for Don, 'cause he's gonna be hooked up to that mechanical bladder for quite a while.
Sally: I think it's sexy.

Dick: So, Tommy, how did Alissa take all this?
Tommy: Well, she kicked me very hard in the, uh, swimsuit area.
Harry: Oooh.
Tommy: But that counts as second base action, right?
Harry: Well, in my book it does.

Tommy: You think she's okay? Sally?
Dick: Sure. She just gets this way sometimes since her painful breakup with Don.
Harry: Ha! Which one?
Dick: Well, I hear that.

Strudwick: Mary, did you fill out your form 8-As for your graduate-Level courses?
Mary: I didn't think we needed those until next semester.
Strudwick: The bursar's office says we need them before midterms.
Mary: Oh, I'd better get on that. Do you have any blank ones?
Strudwick: Fresh out, but they've got them at the administration building.
Mary: Oh, I'll call Helen.
Dick: Oh, why don't you two just get a room?!

Dick: Hello, Alissa. Tommy forgot his air freshener.
Alissa: What?
Dick: He was supposed to forget his book bag, but he forgot to forget it.
Tommy: Oh, thank you, Dick.
Alissa: Okay. Bye.
Dick: Oh, uh, as long as I'm here, is your father at home?
Alissa: No.
Dick: Is your mother at home?
Alissa: Yeah, but she's in the shower.
Dick: Oh. In the shower. Then my work is half done. [enters]

Dottie Strudwick: [screams]
Dick: Hi, Dottie.
Dottie Strudwick: D-Dr. Solomon?
Dick: Oh, call me Dick. Please, sit down.
Dottie Strudwick: What are you doing here?
Dick: Let me explain. You see, seven years ago, your husband slept with my girlfriend Mary Albright?
Dottie Strudwick: Vincent? Slept with Mary?
Dick: Yeah, I know. It's an outrage. But let's address the situation like rational adults. For the sake of both our relationships, you and I need to sleep together. Agreed?
Dottie Strudwick: I don't believe this.
Dick: Well, I know, but it's the only way. Fortunately, we're both very attractive, so it needn't be an unpleasant experience.
Dottie Strudwick: Oh, I am going to get him!
Dick: Now you're talking. What say we climb back into that shower and get it on, huh?

Alissa: Hey, Mom? Oh, my God!
Dick: Uh, Alissa, please. Your mother and I need to make love.
Tommy: [enters] So, uh shall we leave these adults alone and adjourn to the jacuzzi?
Alissa & Dottie: Oh! [both walk out]
Tommy: What just went wrong here?
Dick: I honestly don't know.

Rico: Doing okay in there, Donny?
Harry: Mmm. Boy, he don't look so good, do he?
Rico: Down at the precinct, they're calling him the human scab.
Doctor: [enters] Okay, how's my patient doing?
Harry: What? You mean the skinless wonder?
Doctor: I'm referring to Don. Or as we're calling him here Don Tartare.
Harry: Ol' gravelback!
Doctor: How about the amazing colossal scab?
Rico: I already had the human scab.
Doctor: Yeah, that was good, too. Mine's just a bit more... clever.

Dick: Have you gotten Dottie Strudwick on the phone?
Nina: She keeps hanging up.
Dick: Please clean up your phone manners, Nina. I'm trying to sleep with this woman.
Nina: You're having me call so you can sleep with her?
Dick: Oh, Nina. You're right, that is so impersonal. I'll bring her flowers and candy. No, no! Just flowers. I don't want her fat.

Mary: What's the rush?
Dick: Oh, I'm off to the florist, then sex with Dottie Strudwick, then, hey, what say I swing by and pick you up for a celebratory dinner at Mario's, huh?
Mary: Lovely. [they kiss] I don't know how the hell he thinks he's gonna get a reservation at Mario's- Nina, what did he just say?
Nina: He's going to the florist.
Mary: No, no, no, no. After that, but before Mario's?
Nina: Strudwick's.
Mary: Oh, my God!