Harry: Unbelievable.
Tommy: Every hot mama in this place was checking him out. What's the deal?
Harry: Must be the machine. Hot mamas love the machine.
Tommy: Why? Why do the hot mamas care?
Harry: I don't know. But I'll tell you something, me little buddy, I'm gonna find out. [tries to sit on the motorcycle and falls right over the other side]

Mary: [slurring] Five, six... Straight to Martini Island! All right!
Dick: Would you like me to shake it?
Mary: Oh, please. Mmm-mmm! [laughs] This beats the scrap out of crabble.

Dick: Ah, "Naughty or Nice."
Mary: "What's the craziest thing you've ever done in bed?"
Dick: Well there was the time I staged a reading of Othello, and the role of Desdemona was played by a down comforter.
Mary: I'm not going to give you any spaces for that.

Mary: What is your problem?
Dick: Oh, my problem? So it's my problem that you had an affair with Strudwick.
Mary: Nina, how could you tell him?!
Nina: You told him.
Mary: Oh, I told- Oh, I told him. Oh, Dick, you've got to understand. Vincent and Dottie were separated. It was seven years ago. I didn't even know you then. It's ancient history!
Dick: Oh, ancient history? Ancient history is dead people... pyramids, gladiators smiting lions, a bottle of milk for a nickel. This is not ancient history! Oh, my God. I can still smell him on you!

Harry: Well, the guys at the dealership wouldn't sell me a Harley. They said I didn't have enough money.
Tommy: Bummer. Did they have something cheaper?
Harry: Well, they had a Yamaha, but I didn't have enough money for that, either.
Alissa: How much money do you have?
Harry: I have no money.
Tommy: You didn't plan this out very well, did you?
Harry: No, sir, I did not.

Tommy: Hello. Something wrong?
Dick: Yes, something's wrong, thanks to that mincing cretin Vincent Strudwick!
Alissa: Hey, that's my dad you're talking about.
Dick: Oh, I am so sorry, honey. What was I thinking? Would you please leave so I can trash your father?
Alissa: But we-
Dick: Get out!

Dick: Tommy... I don't know how to break this to you.
Tommy: Oh, my God. What is it?
Dick: Try to stay calm. Here it comes. Seven years ago, my beloved Mary had a torrid affair with Vincent Strudwick.
Tommy: [sighs] Oh, God. I thought it was going to be something I cared about.

Harry: Hey, Dick.
Dick: Harry? There's no good way to hear something like this. You might want to sit down.
Tommy: Albright dorked Strudwick.
Harry: I almost sat down for that?

Dick: The universe is out of balance. Nothing makes sense anymore. Strudwick gets everything I deserve. If it's not a cappuccino machine, it's a book deal. If it's not a book deal, it's Mary. If it's not Mary, it's... a cappuccino machine.
Harry: Well, maybe you should even the score.
Dick: Yes. Yes! I could sleep with Strudwick's wife!
Harry: Well, I was thinking you could get a cappuccino machine.

Tommy: Wait. Dick, you're talking about sleeping with my girlfriend's mother?
Dick: Uh-huh.
Tommy: Don't you see? Alissa looks up to her mom. If you do that, it'll undermine all of her morality, all of the values that she spent years trying to instill in Alissa. That is so perfect!
Harry: Pave the way for the little guy, Caligula!
Dick: Hey, hey!
Tommy: What?
Dick: We could take them out together!
Tommy: What could be cooler than double-dating with your dad?!