Dick: Oh, I can't get his face out of my mind!
Nina: Strudwick's?
Dick: No, Nina. Little Davey Tennant, the boy down the block. You see, ever since he was three years old, Davey's wanted more than anything to see a real professional baseball game. He wished the biggest wish his little heart could muster. But his dad was laid off and couldn't afford the tickets. Well... one day last week, little Davey was outside playing ball like he always does, and who should walk up the block, tall as a building, but home run king Mark McGwire. To see little Davey's eyes light up as McGwire handed him four seats on the first base line, well, it's something that I will never forget. [shouts] Yes, Strudwick's face! Stop asking such stupid questions!
Nina: Look, you knew about her past.
Dick: Yeah, but until last night, her past was- was faceless! Now it's got a face. The fuzzy, smirking face of Vincent W. Strudwick.

Harry: Okay. We got one Pastrami Lasorda. And one Mozzarella Fitzgerald.
Tommy: I don't get the names of these sandwiches.
Harry: Tommy, here's your Hammy Connick Jr.
Sally: Well, that one's obvious. Look, it's piled high with ham and connick.

Mary: "Truth or dare."
Dick: "Who was your last fling?"
Mary: Oh, that would have to be... [both laugh] Vincent Strudwick. [both laugh]
Dick: Strudwick?! No!
Mary: Yes, I'm back on Martini Island! You can set me up.
Dick: You can kiss my tiny pewter ass!

Dick: Ah, isn't this great? Look at us. An Earth family sitting around together on a beautiful autumn evening, playing a nice, friendly game.
Tommy: Yeah, a game called Sex or Consequences.
Dick: "The naughty, bawdy adult party game where everybody wants to be on top!"

Mary: I am so hung over.
Dick: Oh. Well, Mary, that's just nature's way of telling you what a tramp you are.
Mary: What?

Tommy: Hey, I read this crazy statistic in the paper this morning. Did you know that 70% of people our age are sexually active?
Alissa: And 40% have inhaled solvents.
Tommy: Really. So, uh... which crowd do you want to hang with?
Alissa: Are you suggesting that we have sex?
Tommy: Well, you... or inhale solvents. You know, it's really up to you. I'm just trying to be a gentleman.

Dick: Oh, come on, Sally. You're not even trying. Look how far you are from "the Erogenous Zone."
Sally: Fine. Okay. "Lover or loser." That should be fun.
Dick: "With what celebrity would you be tempted to cheat on your mate?"
Harry: Jon Voight!
Tommy: Man, let her answer.
Harry: Say "Jon Voight."
Sally: I don't have a mate to cheat on, okay?
Dick: Uh-uh. That sends you right back to "Chastity Corner."

Tommy: Dick, why don't you go play this with Dr. Albright?
Dick: Okay? Oh, fine. But that's the last time I bring home a sexually explicit board game for this family!
Tommy: I hate that game.
Harry: You want to play strip Parcheesi?
Tommy: You're on!

Sally: I'm done.
Dick: Tommy, will you please move her little metal buttocks back five spaces?
Tommy: Uh, excuse me. Sally is the tongue. I am the buttocks.

Strudwick: Oh, good morning, Dick.
Dick: Strudwick. [Strudwick slurps from his travel mug] Must you slurp?
Strudwick: Sorry. It's a rich, delicious cappuccino. I just made it.
Dick: So you have a cappuccino machine.
Strudwick: It's a gift from the chancellor just to acknowledge the success of my book.
Dick: Yes. Your little pamphlet on physics.
Strudwick: It's going into its third printing. Yep. It's quite a machine. It's got an auto-frother.
Dick: Oh, well, I prefer to froth manually.
Strudwick: Would you like me to make you a little Cappy, Dick?
Dick: Oh, no, thank you, Strudwick. I find that excessive caffeine tends to make one look puffy. Like a jerk.