Dick: I'll have to think of something else. This area is clearly riddled with natural caverns. [thumping] All we have to do is find a weak spot in this wall and we'll be free!
Harry: Oh, man! Dick, I can't see the moon anymore.
Dick: No, Harry. That's because I just dislodged a boulder that closed up the shaft.
Harry: To keep the air supply from getting out! That's clever.

Reporter: [on TV] ...and our early information is that rescue efforts are underway.
Sally: Heh, I do not get it. How can anybody be stupid enough to fall into a hole?
Tommy: I don't know. You'd have to be a complete moron.
Sally: I know. It's like, uh doy-de-doy-de-doy... Hey, what's down there?! Oh, my god! I fell!
Tommy: No, no, it was like this. It's like bidde-doode-deede. Eeh! Eeh! Oh, god, no!
Reporter: [on TV] repeating our information that the trapped men have been identified as Dick and Harry Solomon.
Sally: Oh, my god. It's Dick and Harry.
Tommy: I know. They announced that, like, 5 minutes ago. Bidde-doode-doo.

Sally: Don, what's happening?
Don: Sally, there's great news.
Sally: Oh, you got them out of the hole.
Don: Even better. We've got the world's foremost hole expert to take on the case.
Sally: What's a hole expert?
Angus McDuff: A hole expert is the man who reaches down into God's caverns and plucks out what lives and breathes and ought not to be there.

TV Reporter: You rolling? We're here live on the scene with Dick Solomon's girlfriend, Mary Albright. Can you tell us how you're feeling right now?
Mary: Well, when I heard the terrible news... I mean, Dick is so... [laughs] a tragedy like this... my hopes and my prayers... that he be in my arms again... [laughing hysterically]
TV Reporter: Thank you, Dr. Albright. Back to you, John.
Mary: Oh, my god.
Nina: Hey, at least you didn't cry.

Angus McDuff: Now, as you can see, the hole isn't stable enough to excavate, so we'll have to build a side shaft - that's a second hole - right next to it. We dig down here and come in from the side.
Sally: Another hole?
Angus McDuff: Mm-Hmm.
Sally: Among our problems here is not a lack of holes.
Angus McDuff: You are getting into my head. Please, do not get into my head.
Sally: You know, I could dig these guys out quicker with a plastic spoon.
Angus McDuff: Oh, yes, I'd like to see you try.
Sally: Listen, you Earl-Grey-loving freak! You have exactly three seconds to come up with a plan I like, or I am going to take over this whole hole operation.
Angus McDuff: Right, that's it! I can't work like this. What I do is an art, and I will not be second-guessed by some big blondie. I don't even have to be here, you know. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. There was a hole in Buffalo wanted me. A big one. Kansas offered me a five-hole deal. You do as you jolly well please. I will be in my trailer.
Sally: He has a trailer?

Harry: [sings] Lollipop lollipop Oh lolli lolli lolli Lollipop lollipop Oh lolli lolli lolli Lolli- How's the rest of that song go again?
Dick: Lollipop.
Harry: Right! [sings] Lollipop lollipop-
Dick: Will you shut up? It's bad enough you got us stuck down here without having to listen to you sing about my favorite food on a stick.

Harry: I didn't get us stuck down here.
Dick: Oh, no? Well, who ordered the pizzas? Who didn't fill up the car with gas? Who fell into the hole first and caused a cave-in?
Harry: You!
Dick: Exactly! You!
Harry: You know, anytime anything goes wrong, it's always my fault.
Dick: Finally, you admit it.
Harry: That's not what I'm saying.
Dick: You're saying you're tired, you're hungry. You're terrified of being down here, and you're waiting for me to lead you out. Well, I'm doing my best! You're just sitting there, happy as an idiot in Idiotland on idiots-get-in-free day.
Harry: Okay, there's no such land, and I would know-
Dick: Harry, shh! Please! I need silence to think. Thank you.

Harry: Oh, Dick! Look what I-
Dick: My God, you don't stop! It never ends with you people. What are those?
Harry: Just some, uh, M&Ms that I forgot I had in my jacket. But, uh that's okay. You You go on thinkin'.
Dick: M&Ms?
Harry: That's right. The candy that melts in your mouth. But not in your mouth.
Dick: Look, just hand them over.
Harry: Oh, I'd love to, but I'm just too big of an idiot to figure out how to get this bag all the way over to you.
Dick: As High Commander, I order you to give me those M&Ms.
Harry: Oh, order. Look, up there, you might be High Commander, but down here, you're just some sweaty guy looking for a handout.
Dick: Harry, you are disobeying a direct order, and you will-
Harry: Shh! Please! Thank you.

Tommy: Oh, check this out. I'm thinking of starting to sell a new official line of t-shirts.
Alissa: What's this?
Tommy: It's a hole. I cut a hole into the t-shirt to commemorate this amazing business opportunity-slash-tragedy. So, what do you think?
Alissa: It's stupid. Tommy, first of all, there's a big hole right there. You'd be able to see my bra.
Tommy: That's no problem. Just don't wear the bra.

Dick: You know, it's a funny thing, Harry. You spend your days above ground completely unenlightened, but then you fall into a hole, and suddenly the whole world opens up to you.
Harry: Dick?
Dick: Yes, Harry.
Harry: Why don't you let me teach you how to blow that breeze through your head now.
Dick: Oh, all right, Harry. But let me just finish this point. A hole is like a looking glass in that-