Sally: It's just that I got so damn arrogant, you know, that I got proposed to. I mean, it's like I finally got something I can lord over other women. And that's not right, no.
Mary: No.
Sally: I want you to be happy for me, Mary. I'd like you to be in my wedding.
Mary: Bridesmaid?
Sally: Better. I want you to be my maid of honor. My bitter, old maid of honor.

Dick: Gentlemen, how do you know when it's time to get married?
Bug: Right when that little stick thing turns blue.

Dick: I mean, do you get married when the relationship stops to be about sex and starts becoming deeper?
Pitman: Deeper than sex?
Dick: I just don't know if I'm ready.
Bug: Dr. Albright is tightening the old matrimonial chokehold, isn't she?
Dick: Oh, I wish. Unfortunately she wants to get married. I guess I'm just gonna have to ask her.
Leon: Well, why don't you buy yourself some time by giving her an engagement ring?
Dick: A ring?
Pitman: Something big and showy, you know. It proves how much you care for her and that way you can drag it out for years.
Dick: So I just tag her, put her on the shelf, so I can pick her up whenever I want like... like human layaway? I like it.

Dick: Sally, I've been an insensitive clod.
Sally: Yeah, I'm used to that by now.
Dick: No, no. Not to you, to Dr. Albright, which is why I've decided to ask her to marry me.
Sally: Good for you.
Dick: Thank you. And as High Commander, my wedding is more important than yours. So I get to go first. [takes bridal magazine]
Sally: What?! You horrible, horrible man! Why do you wanna rain on my parade? The one chance I get to feel special, and you want to take it away from me! I want to be the bride! Me, bride! [sobs]
Dick: I-I-I- I'm sorry, forgive me. I'm being selfish. You're right. You should go first.
Sally: Yeah.
Dick: You've already ordered your cake and I haven't even popped the question yet. Now stop crying. There is my girl and what a big girl you are. And soon I'll have to give you away to another man. And what a pretty bride you'll make. [sings] Where are you going, my little one, little one? Where are you going, my baby, my own? [Tommy and Harry join in] Turn around and you're tiny Turn around and you're grown Turn around and you're a young wife With babes of your own.

Jeweler: Is there something I can show you?
Dick: Oh, engagement rings... for women.
Jeweler: Oh, excellent, excellent. Diamond engagements are right over here. Uh, we'll start small.
Dick: Ooh, this one looks nice. How much is it?
Jeweler: Ah, that one is $3,000.
Dick: [stammers] For a diamond! Where I come from, we use the big ones for doorstops!
Jeweler: Sir, you mustn't think in terms of price. The ring is a symbol.
Dick: A symbol?
Jeweler: Yes, the circular shape represents never-ending love.
Dick: Circular shape. Great! I'll give her my watch.

Sally: Hey, Harry. Um, who's that?
Harry: Sally, meet Blind Joe Slocum. He's old, I borrowed him from the Tip Top Club and he plays the blues.
Sally: Okay, so what do you have that's new?
Harry: He's my new friend.

Dick: Mary. There's something I've been wanting to ask you for several days now. I thought about it long and hard and I know it's the right thing to do. Mary, will you wear my watch?
Mary: I can't wear this.
Dick: Oh, I see. I thought it's what you wanted.
Mary: It's just too big.
Dick: I know it's a big step, but don't you think that maybe someday you might want to wear it?
Mary: Well, maybe if... if I gain a lot of weight.
Dick: Cake?

Nina: Oh! Michel, how do you say "Nice to meet you" in French?
Michel: Enchante.
Nina: Enchante. Okay, how do you say, five, five, five, o, one, eight, nine?
Michel: Cinq, cinq, cinq, zero, un, huit, neuf.
Nina: Okay, you might want to write that down.

Sally: So, um, how long are you planning on staying in Rutherford?
Michel: Sally, I-- I love this place, I would like to stay very much, but your government is not so nice.
Sally: Except for Abraham Lincoln.
Michel: Yes, nice man, very very nice man. But your country is not safe for someone like me. Uh, there is only one safe way for me to stay here, kind girl. I need to get married. Sally? Would you marry me?
Sally: Yeow! Damn! Hot diggity dog! Oh, man, oh, man, oh mama! It's just that nobody has ever asked me that before. Oui.
Michel: Oh!

Woman: Hi, can I help you with something?
Tommy: Yeah, my sister is getting married, she needs flowers.
Woman: Uh, anything in mind?
Tommy: Cheap.
Woman: Ah. You know what? I have a sample bouquet from a wedding we did yesterday. Something like this maybe?
Tommy: Yeah, yeah, that's nice, but it doesn't really, uh, pop, you know what I'm saying? I was thinking something maybe a little more like this and maybe a spray of these. Oh, these are great. Could you hand me the ribbon back there? No, the ivory. Let's see. Now this rocks.
Woman: Young man, you have quite a knack for this.
Tommy: Flowers, huh? Cool.